things i'm afraid to tell you: wave 2

          i try not to lose my sense of reality by being brief in posts. i don't however want to leave the impression of vagueness. i am becoming slightly more personal but it can be difficult when you are warped by the perfect idea of a "female lifestyle" that our blogs might reflect, but like all women, like all humans, we are complicated creatures. we are coming together and sharing.


things i'm afraid to tell you:

1 i sometimes fear success. i adore simplicity and i'm afraid that with success, i'll lose all wonderment in my current ideal lifestyle. i want to just have the things i need & a small closet of only clothes once adored, i made myself or made for me. i want to be able to count the things in my house. i don't want a home to be more than i can handle. i want to be my maid, my butler, my nanny. i want to put the rest of that success into traveling expenses, a future for my maybe-family, but most of all - feeding those starving for education and nutrition. i don't want to write monthly checks for a charity, i want to go somewhere in need and make it happen. build schools, create community cafeterias and clothing drives of my own creations. right now i pack meals every once in a while and drive to homeless pockets of my city and give there. i just hope that no matter what, i will find the time to do these things & not collect luxuries in their place. it's probably true that none of my intentions will change, it's just an unfamiliar privilege to me and i hope that won't change me to a negative light. i am nowhere near my goal, and my expectations are still sky-high.

2 i am happy for the bad parts in my life. i believe that the troubling parts of my childhood have made me a better person. my step-parent was physically abusive. it's how i lost my first tooth, but i remember quickly forgiving them because that meant the tooth fairy would visit me. i remember sophia loren once said "poverty is the best present my parents gave to me", and i understand the gratitude that comes with that now. now that the welts and bruises have gone, i feel proud that i am only left with forgiveness and a feeling that is happy and free. i risked a lot taking loans for my education and moving to the city. i know i am well on my way and doing better than i have ever been.

3 if someone is screaming in anger, even when not directed towards me,  i'm crying. the same applies to dogs and cats (barking and hissing).  people tend to say this is a cute mannerism but it really does terrify me and annoy myself by it. i feel that my communication lines towards that life is broken. with that said, i do consider myself a philanthropist to the fullest, i try my best to be helpful to the kindest of people, just the same as i would to the meanest. i do love animals and hope to one day have 5 dogs. actually now that i mention it, i cry whenever i have an intense feeling. even happiness or "cute-overload", my hearing is temporarily gone and all i can feel is overwhelming euphoria and my peripheral goes dark for about one minute. i'm glad to say this mostly happens when i am in company of a new batch of baby animals.

4 i wish i could see myself as i see everyone else. i love that no one looks exactly the same, to me that is beautiful. there are days that i feel like smiling because i am a part of that. but there are also days where i alienate myself from everyone and think of my flaws as bad things. those days happen more often than not. especially since i started uni. my first year was most difficult but it's been getting so much better. i have strayed from unwanted company, and wrapped myself in friends, family and real love.

5 i am afraid that i might abandon my maybe-husband and first-born. i have a heart that is literally too large for my body, because of this it can potentially cause complication in future pregnancy. i am afraid of dying during the process. i want to be a mother so very much.

there you have it. feel free to link me if you post your scary things. stay curious and strong. cheers.

ps: sometimes i eat ice cream for breakfast.

x

6 comments:

  1. i'm just like you! i don't like seeing people being yelled at. and sometimes success really does seem scary!!
    xo TJ

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  2. Michelle,
    I identify SO much with what you wrote. I feel like all of my hardships in life have made me the positive person I am today. Some of the happiest and most genuine people I know have had the hardest lives. "i feel proud that i am only left with forgiveness and a feeling that is happy and free." - love that.

    If I'm witness to people fighting, shouting, slamming doors, or anything, I'm crying. I was on the ski slopes last year, happily waiting for a friend to come out of the bathroom when the couple nearby started arguing. I started crying. Must be a childhood thing.

    Great post =)

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  3. your beautiful words are falling on kind ears.
    thanks for sharing.

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